Four years back...

It has been almost four years since I started blogging.

When I started out, I thought I knew everything about Internet.

And today, I bemoaned the fact that ' I know nothing about the Internet.'

Still, my usage and discovery of internet is happening at a faster rate than what it was four years back.

Internet is now my primary medium for communication, entertainment and self discovery ( and self projection too).

However, during this time I realized that I opt for more and more real life experiences.

When I started as a know-it-all 21 year old and started blogging; there was a time when I used to interact more with my online readers than my real life friends.

I measured friendship on the basis of the number of comments that they added on each post. Suddenly, the time they spent on my blog was more important to me than the time they spent with me.

Thankfully, my friends thought nothing about tweaking my ear and pulling me out into the real life. Looking back, I think they provided me with a healthy appreciation of life and different options to spend my time.

So I guess I should be thanking the June 16 batch. Thanks guys; if not for you, my life would have flicked according to the whims of broadband which pumps webpages into my blood.

Listed

In the next few months to one year, I would like to:

Learn to ski : I haven't even seen snow; but I plan to learn how to ski around...

Take better photographs : Now, my photography is more about instinct. I need to learn the science of taking better pictures, and need to train my eye that the pictures are as striking as they can be.

Learn photo-editing: I need to understand and learn how I can use softwares to make real life look even more realistic. Beautiful, striking, thought provoking - definitely yes; but very much realistic.

Be a better cook: Like photography, I need to apply a certain discipline to my cooking. Being a maverick is all very well; but a lot of cooking is about the familiarity that certain smells, looks and tastes evoke. I need to develop this skill.

Write : I need to put down what is in my mind to paper more often; and preferably in a way so that I can satisfy myself as a reader.

Tech savy: I want to participate and understand about the online world and technology. I would like to make sense out of it, and help others also to do the same. I need to develop my knowledge & skills for the same.

Travel: I want to travel more; and experience the different things that life has to offer.

Any suggestions, ideas, comments - most welcome!

Travel notes...

Ladies out there who are single, listen.

Pack your bags and set forth to those places where you have always wanted to go.

I always wanted to go to Goa, and laze around in a beach with may be a dog for company.

Google and google. Then google some more for good prices in better places to stay.

I got a good deal for a resort with its own beach. And It also had a dog, which gave me company to laze around in the beach.

Take your pick - of music, of books. Take books which celebrate the spirit of being independent, and the books you loved as a child. Archie comics and Nancy Drew do qualify.

My choices were Enid Blyton, Paulo Coelho & Gerald Durrell.

Take enough of clothes, shampoos, creams and what not. Think long term and take a big bag so that you can shop around as much as you want.

I packed three pairs of footwear, which quadrupled by the end of the journey. My half empty travel bag has so many new occupants that I had to buy another one.

Lie through your teeth. Feel free to give yourself a new name, new job and new identity when friendly strangers question you. When feeling guilty remember Shakespeare : " What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet". Spill the truth only if you are 150% comfortable with the person.

My different names were Maria, Nisha, Divya, Asha, Lily.... and I was a Mumbaikar, Goan, Bong, Delhite, Tamil Brahmin... and was studying, working in a call center... And I did tell the truth once in a while.

Splurge. On yourself. It's no crime to feel selfish and self oriented once in a while as long as you earned what you plan to spend.

Ref the footwear...

Don't have an itinerary. Do what you feel like doing. We all have our to-do list at work. Don't make your holiday another project where you have to run around.

I slept, read, rode a two wheeler around aimlessly, took many photographs, collected sea shells, made friends with many dogs, gave massages to many cats who came purring... and also visited the beaches, the churches, the museums, the eateries....

Be happy that unlike our hitched sisters, we are free to chart our own courses and run free as wild horses. Enjoy the freedom and appreciate it - there is bliss in companionship, but let's not forget the gift of singledom that we have now...

S'long!!!

Settled bills.

Had / gave treats.

Said goodbyes.

Booked everything.

Ready for take off.

Feelin' good.

Off to the real world... will be back by end of this month!!!

Comfortably....

Its always a ritual to pack your bags.

You make that one last stop to your favorite bookshops and stock them up. You go to the ' out of my way arty place' and end up buying 'the cutest arm chair! and its only 350 bucks!!' to ship it all the way to santaland.

You try a round of all your favorite eateries. You gorge on phuchkas. You enjoy the seasonal fruits and have mangoes for breakfast lunch and dinner ( well, almost). Mangoes, the rare fruit in santaland.

You buy the same movie titles which you called horrible not so long back. They dont release them in Santaland.

You realize that Santaland is dictating you, getting into your taste buds and consciousness.You accept it passively, and glide through the rest of your long list.

You try meeting up with friends and colleagues. You feel disgusted with their you-forgot-to-call-me-so-i'm-gonna-stand-you-up antics. Then you remember that this is probably the reason why you are friends with them anyways. But so much to do, and you are so tired to respond to what could be grown into a amazing man v/s woman war. You are more in the walking-away mode, not in the I-will-try-to-win-our-argument or I-will-beg-with-you-till-you-say-yes mode.

You sigh.

You think of the people whom you met for the past couple of days, how you could have become good friends. You think of seniors and juniors and batch mates and colleagues whom you would have liked to know better; but its too late, too futile now.

You feel bad that you may not see some people again. You feel happy that you will never see some people again. You pray to God that you would never get to see some people again.

You book tickets. You arrange for travel and other accommodations. You are assumed to be a man, then a married woman. You sigh again, and correct them each time - no; I am traveling alone. Somewhere along the line, you just give up.

....numb.


PS:Those who know of some good place near North Goa, please let me know... the more happening, the better!

Love

At kindergarten, love was all about who had the most succulent mangoes in their backyard.

At class three, love was about who was the hero, who solved all the mysteries and who was the leader.

At class nine, love was about academics. The brainier, the better.

At class twelve, love was divided amongst the ones who could smile the best.

In undergraduate days, it was about the one who was the most idealistic in my mind.

During first job, love was about who wanted to be individualistic.

At post grad, it was about a mirage of all those past loves.

Now, for the first time in my life, I am not worried about the fact that I am single.

I love me.

Why I love Seth Godin

First of all, I am yet to read any of his books. Purple Cow is a part of my pile of books to be read soon - around 500 at last count - and I have downloaded the Idea Virus too.

But what prompts me to write about this guy - surely, he doesn't need me to plug his book or blog - is purely personal. I love reading his blog. And even though love cannot be put into a framework, here's what make me go to his blog, day after day.


The colors. Sunshine. Happiness. Optimism. Orange & yellow, but not going overboard with them. Also, smaller but readable font means that more content is packed into less space, and it makes reading easier.

When I open the blog, I find the articles first - not the adverts, not product placements. Also, the navigation is intuitive and easy to use. There are very less graphics ( except for the bright yellow picture of Seth's cranium) to distract me from the content.

The content itself, is crafted lovingly, with the reader in mind. Seth knows that he is not writing a romance novel, and hence, his words dont have mush. The sentences are simple and lucid. He understands how short paragraphs are easy on the eye, and hyperlinks all reference materials - other blogs, articles, videos etc - within the article. Once in a while, a picture or an embedded video breaks the routine.

The language is never preachy. Depending on the tone, it ranges from Seth talking to a friend to Seth talking to himself. Sometimes he sounds as if he is trying to advice the friend; sometimes he seems to figure out things himself. He never falls into the trap of trying to put in a minimum number of words in each post, unlike most of us, he is not concerned about the length, but the quality.

After I started visiting the blog, I discovered other, better blogs and other reading / viewing material. He links to quality stuff, but seldom quotes from them - a mistake may wannabe Seth's don't seem to avoid.

After I finish each post, I don't feel overwhelmed. I find myself shaking my head in agreement, sometimes thinking about what he has told, and at times fwding a link to my friends, inviting them to the discussion.

Thanks Seth, for providing a set of readings which are interesting, informative, funny, thought evoking - for most of them one or a few of the above adjectives will apply - but most of all, uniformly heartfelt posts.

I can dream....

They say we fantasize to keep our sanity. Hence this post - oh, its a wish, a hope, a prayer... and an attempt to derive pleasure without actually doing it..

You kill your lungs with cancer smokes,
and mine too, by smoking when I'm nearby

You take long smoke breaks,
when we non smokers cant move out of our seats
for five minutes
without people shooting looks
which plainly say "slacker!"

When talking outside the office building -
thanks to the smoke detectors which prevent you
from puffing away in the office -
you blow the smoke into my face and clothes
And if I do ask you to ditch it,
look at me as if I am the rudest of all.


All this is pardonable - but when you creep up behind me
with your stinky mouth and peer into my workstation screen
With no warning or regard to my privacy or personal space
And too miserly to buy a mint
Just for once, can I give in to the sensation of disgust
and vomit into your face???



Dedicated to the walking stink-pile who literally breaths down my neck every time he has something to say to me. Move away!!! You are cutting off my air circulation!!!

So what is new???

I cracked the last level of a computer game that I was playing. Yup, it felt pretty good.

I started frequenting a gym. Egged on mostly because you listen to forty somethings in office discussing how many miles they can run an hour and the number of half marathons they have completed. Given that they are older and busier than me, I really don't have any excuse for not looking after my stamina.

I am quitting books. Just the buying part - my house now resembles a mini library. Need to finish at least half of them before I buy more! Oh well... second hand books really don't count - College Street, here I come!

I partied. In style. With my seniors. We danced, and it felt good to shake a leg.

I got a tattoo. A spray-on one. And it got me the most interesting person's attention in our alumni meet. Even though it was half hidden by my shirt sleeve, she came running over to me and gleefully shouted " Tattoo!!" Bless her seven year old soul, I had a better time in that party that I ever thought I would.

I straightened my hair. To some extent, given my hair stylists determined efforts to maintain at least some curls.

I saw Cheeni Kum and found pony tails sexy. I officially declare myself as a fan of Tabu, hereafter.

I caught up with Jack Sparrow, seated between two 11 year olds, pointing out Keith Richards to them and urging them to explore Rock music.

I saw Shrek 3, and went awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... over him.

I met up with my batchmates. I am looking forward to meeting them again. And again.

I get to pack my bags on a regular basis these days, thanks to my job।

And I started a photo blog to post the snaps here

Sounds of beauty

If you are reading this blog, then you probably see beauty in everyday life than experience it in other forms. But at times, the sounds of world do have their own ways of creating goosebumps in your brain. Try these sounds, you may like them.


The low rumbling of imminent rain, which after a few seconds transfer into a rainstorm.

Best heard when you are sitting in a courtyard with three open sides, just a roof to protect you from the rain, earth and plants all around in breathless anticipation. Drink to have in hand is kanji (rice brew) , coffee, spice tea or hot soup. For better experience, sit somewhere where the rain droplets can just miss you. The best companion is someone silent, like a dog or a cat.

Best experienced during Kerala monsoons, India- 2006.

The namaz from a mosque.

There is nothing as pure, or as hard hitting produced by humans as listening to the namaz which come to you from nowhere. Though I don't understand Arabic, any rendition beginning with Allah Akbar instantly transports me back to my childhood. The best place would be a desolate area, with just the prayer connecting you to humanity.

Best experienced in Bhubaneswar, India - 2007.



Wind washing the leaves.

Best heard when hiking through a forest, thick fog making it difficult to see anything one feet away from you. For added adrenalin rush, make sure that you are trekking through unknown mountain foot-wide path which drop down to a deep valley.

Best Experienced in Yerkadu, India - 2002.




A single church Bell.

Best when coupled with antique churches which stand in solitude. The single bell provides an experience that a cascade of them cannot match. Also listen to the echoes die away for the complete experience.

Best heard in Goa & Kerala.



The inner depths of an old palace courtyard / temple / museum.

It is not about the sound, but the lack of it. If we really listen in these places when the clatter and clutter is over, we can hear our body. The thumps, the wheezes, the ringings and the rumbles - all voices and noises real and imaginary is great to listen to; and if really lucky, we can have a good chat with ourselves without any agenda.

Any other sounds I should be listening to? Don't tell me about songs - song lists and instrumental music list will be up in sometime.

Food for thought

The one time when I realized that I do not have an iron stomach was when prawns caused me to puff up. The my juniors were being placed for their summer internships, and I had went to partake a meal offered by a company for my help to run their process smoothly. Never mind that they are on the other side of the fence now.

Being a mallu brought up on everything that lives on water, I did not think twice about eating as many shrimps as I can. However, that night I woke up from my sleep feeling choked. My entire body ballooned up, my oxygen supply was cut off. Just like that, my love story with prawns came to an end.

You win some, you lose some. Jamshedpur also exposed me to my first taste of olives. Pickled olives; to be more precise. I love both the black and green ones. Ironically, I started loving olives as they reminded me of the ten-for-50-paise packs of pickled wild berries which used to entice me on my way back from school.

Caviar was very much looked forward to - as I was brought up on regular encounters with cod liver oil and fish eggs from childhood, I did not have any enemity towards it. Also, the umpteen English short stories that I read from childhood made me realize that caviar was it. So when I had the chance, I had it with gusto, much to the awe and disgust ( in equal parts ) of my friends.

Paani puri will always have South Indian memories associated with them. It was a Tam who has introduced me to them, converting them to lunch from the lowly status of a snack. I was beyond my impressionable years; but Macchan gulping down one after another as if there is no tomorrow made me want them. Years later, I have not yet converted them to lunch, but hey; they are good for dinner.

Corn on the cob was another western dream. I don't really remember the first time I enjoyed it, but it is an all-time favorite now. Its cousin pop-corn - now him I loved so much that my early years at the movie theater was not complete without a few packs of the same. Movies, for a long long time, were incidental images which provided an occasion for me to eat popcorn. At the age when some kid learn that there is no Santa, I learned that you can buy pop corn from places other than movie halls.

Candy floss was a guilty pleasure as it was deemed everything bad. All the more reason for it to hold special significance for me - the first time I bought it without hiding it from the powers that be was when I was living away from home, and earning on my own. Freedom tastes sweet, with a hint of artificial colors.

However, there is always one western food I never took a shine to. An unexpected windfall through a competition gave me some serious money. Not so subtle hints from my mother dictated that I take my cousin out for lunch. She - my mother, not my cousin - wanted to go to one of the better places in town. They had just introduced burgers, the first in town. When my mother and me - two of the sincerest wannabes ever born - tucked into the burger, my cousin; all of four years pronounced " This is just a cutlet between two pieces of bun!"

That wisdom of four years was lost and he is not an addict of the same cutlet between buns. However, whenever I see a hamburger, before I can salivate at it, a little boy tells me with incredulous, aint-you-fools-to-fall-for-it eyes:

"Its just a cutlet between buns."

Bon Appetite!!!

Nothing but the truth...

Why did I not blog for almost a month?

I was making a note of all pubs I will visit in a few months time...


In a beautiful country which may adopt me...


After discovering infinite shades of blue and green,


I went to a dusty place in Mumbai, where monkeys chased me and my friends like vampires in some B grade movie...

We had to run shout and throw stones at the simians. Sorry SPCA; it was either fight or flight.

Then sleep, eat, sleep, gossip... some days of lazing around with one's gal pals...

Oh... did I tell you about the rafting days thanks to my employer? Bless them all!


After the travel, it was back to work... some more meetings, catching up with friends, some good and not so good movies...

Now after another trip to College Street where second hand book sellers invite me to ferret into their hordes and hand me their mobile numbers; where they had me profiled so much that they know exactly what price I will give them,

I guess I have answered life's call.

Let me have those experiences for myself. I wont be sharing them with you; well - atleast for now.

You want to see more pics, let me know.

And yeah, I know the formatting sux. :-)

Virtue of Selfishness

It is always difficult to type the first word, letter. Often your heart pulls you back, telling you not to kill or maim others and to thread softly so as not to disturb them. As a result, the anger and rage get suppressed somewhere within.

But someday, I dream take time out to be offhandedly cruel as per the society norms. Someday, I will stroll to my own rythm, think about myself, my happiness, my life.

I am happy when I am free. When I am not bogged down by the proclamations of love which family and friends use - often unknowingly - to send me on a guilt trip. I keep returning the favours which I never asked for in the first place; keep holding a candle for friendships that I know had withered away. In order to own the goody tag, I end up imprisoning myself.

One piece of advice which I always give my friends is to be selfish. Unashamedly. Gloriously. I want them to look into themselves and find their happiness, their piece of heaven without worrying about anything or anyone else in the world.

But why am I not forcing myself to do the same?

It is okay to think about my happiness. It is okay to say no to people when they are ch****ya kataoing me. It is okay to accept the love and affection that others give me. I dont have to be the person who give more in any relationship. Hell, I can choose not to give at all, if it is not to my liking. I can define my own morality.

I can be selfish. I can cancel out on people without giving any reasons. I can say no when people ask me for my time and money. I can not call up those who will spoil my day or week. I can ignore missed calls or missed buzzes if there is no follow up sms or message. I can ignore the pleas to help and choose not to even remotely think of people who never cared for me anyway. I can walk away frome the mindgames people play without even a goodbye, much less an explanation.

I can think about myself. I can splurge the money that I earn on things that I want to experience. I can dance to my own song. I need not care about looking like a wannabe. The entire world is a wannabe, in one way or other.

I can dream. I dont have to share my dreams with others. I can kick out of my life those people who do not believe in my life and choose to make fun of them. I can get out of dead relationships that do not work for me anymore.

Then I can become a dreamchaser. I can believe that I am God's dearest chils, that I am special. I can be confident that I will get what I want, and can say no to the offers on my quest to Atlantis. Less luggage, faster I travel.

I can do all of these.

Then why dont I?

My name...

... It defines to an extent what I am.

Mercurial temper at times

Happy and cheerful

Keeps people at a distance - but at the same time warm, giving...

Unique - in whichever way one choose to interpret it

Morbid aversion to cold

A feeling of 'can stand alone' no matter what

Uncomfortable in being vulnerable with others

Do I define my name or did my name define me?

Why I love these movies

Mr Bean's holiday : for that hilarious take on art movies

Dhoom 2: Hritik Roshan's movements

Holiday : Kate Winslet's character

Departed :Decaprio's vulnerable eyes

Pyar Ke Side Effects : Ranvir Shorey and Mallika Sherawat

Mozhi : My love story

Kannathil Muthamittal : My ideal family

Groovy girl, groovy love

If I ever become famous enough for people to ask me about the souls who are my inspiration, chances are that I may not speak out her name. She is not the one with the greatest talent, beauty or intelligence. She is not on her way to be a hotshot career woman.

But if you ask me, I wish I had her qualities. Or one quality, rather. The courage to love completely, without fear or doubts, ready to not just look over the cliff, but jump down and then soar above.

She had loved a lot, and lost a lot of loves. She had walked with stumbling steps through the fogs of alcohol, heartbreak and trauma. I used to wonder how she coped. I who never prayed for a long long time compromised and told off God in slightly un-parliamentary language.

She went to a mediocre company, which tried to squeeze the very last ounce of life out of her in lieu of a paycheck. She rebelled. Dared not to take official calls on weekends and holidays. Made it a point to party.

It was in one of these parties that she met him. He was visiting our country, and came to the city where she was. Never mind that he was close to fifty. Never mind that her friends were wary. Some expressed it point blank, calling her crazy and stupid. Some remained silent, renewing their prayers, threatening the powers above with bodily harm if she is hurt again. ( I belonged to the second category.)

She went off with him to his country. Caused a small scandal it did, in our loosely knit tapestry of friends, acquaintances and enemies where affairs and breakups are common enough. She got married to him, and her happiness reaches us via her emails and chat messages.

She is in love, and all is well in the world.

I admire her courage to love without reservation, despite the way love had treated her shabbily in the past.

I respect the way she trusted her love to disregard the commonsense and logic which dictated that it was a foolish move.

I love the way she looked past the age and the grey hair directly into his heart.

Cate, I love the way you love him. Here's to you my friend; for a lifetime of love and happiness. I hope I learn from you to love the way you do. That when happiness catch up with me, I am ready to accept it than be afraid of being hurt or hurting and miss out one something really great.

Every lie has an exception

Lie:
"Me? I hate flowers. yuck!!! It's soo cheesy!!!"

Real meaning:
1. Hurmph. You wont buy me flowers. And I wont ask you for them. I have too much ego to do that.

Truth when:
I am allergic to the flowers or flower pollens

Lie:
"I don't like jewelery"

Real meaning:
1. Your jewelery selection sucks. I am not going to wear that monstrosity, even if it has such beautiful diamonds.
2. I hate gold. I love only platinum and diamonds.
3. You think that I am above all these material things. I like that you have put me in a pedestal. Now let me think how I can make you buy me beautiful, shiny things.

Truth when:
You kidding me??????? Stop dating a woman if you think this statement can be true - you are hopeless!

Lie:
"Of course dear, we will do exactly that..."

Real meaning:
1. I don't want to pick up a fight with you on this. But I know exactly how to make you do what I want. You wont even know it, and your ego will be intact ( Fragile thing, your ego!)
2. ...and you will hate it, and then will wish that you had listened to me. I hate doing it anyway.
3. ...and with my passive aggression, I will prove to you why it is a bad idea.

Truth when:
It is something in which I have no interest in, and something which you will do with minimum impact in my life.


Lie:
"I believe in equality of the sexes..."

Real meaning:
1. I will do what I want as I am empowered. But if you do what I don't want you to do, then you are insensitive. You made me cry ( yes, we know you feel really bad when we cry).
2. ...but I still expect you to be chivalrous and pick up the bill, do not flinch or retaliate when I inflict bodily harm with my kicks and talons, and open the door for me and run little errands for me.
3. ...and misusing it to my advantage.

Truth when:
I am a heroine from an Eric Segal novel who is the epitome of self sacrifice and completely guileless.


Guys, feel free to provide timeless female cliches... will try to decipher them for you...

Just like that...

Often, when you give up on life, life doesn't give up on you.

It hits your heart and head smack on and leave you zonked with the twists and turns that it bring forth.

I guess it is good to have a wish list and demand things from whomever is supposed to procure it for us - who knows, they may come true.

Calm and Sunshine...

Some days back, I was searching for a friend with the same spelling as yours.

You came to the screen, along with him. I send him the message that I wanted to send.

And for one last time, I decided to send you a message.

Without ego. Without hiding my anger. Or frustration. Of feeling stupid about the time I was not really in my best behavior. About the fact that I regretted that I said what I said and did what I did. Without glossing over that fact that you do mean something to me. Without forgetting the fact that I too, mean something to you. Remembering the good time we had. Doing a little bit of emotional blackmail in the process. Reminding you our deep friendship.

The next day you email me as if nothing has happened, asking for my mobile number. Three years since you talked to me; even though I had dropped seemingly offhand messages in your web page. You chose to ignore them. You too are an egotist.

I don't know when you are going to call me - probably in another two-three weeks? But I am happy that we have started talking again. After three years, what is two or three weeks between friends?

You brought out the most unselfish side of me out. You taught me to care for another person without caring about myself. You taught me about controlling my temper, overlooking faults. You also taught me about not losing my identity. You believed that I would do an MBA from a half decent business school - something a girl from a small town engineering college did not really believe in. I know that you have more faith in me than I have in myself.

Although the past years, our common friends have talked to me about you in an offhand way. They who knew how deep our friendship was. Each time, I did not talk more about it. To think that I could have met you when you were in this country... but no, my ego demanded to be fed.

I missed you my friend. I missed our esosteric discussions. I miss our intellectual duels on all the hazy subjects in the world. I miss getting mad at your deliberately scathing comments about women and all capitalistic endeavours. I miss getting worried over you, and fighting with other for you.

I am greatly looking forward to pull your leg about the fact that you are working in USA. Ha! Touche!!!

As I had told you, I have changed. Hair and clothes became shorter. Developed a taste for alcohol and bratty behaviour. Stopped thinking in our mother tongue -now I dream in English. Stopped being scandalized on seeing people have a beer and started enjoying single malts & t.

I wish I could meet up with you and swap stories over a drink or two. But for now, I am glad that we are starting chapter II of our idiosyncratic friendship.

Light and Sound

Three movies over the weekend is a good count as far as I am concerned.

Lucky Number S7evin

Don't ask me why I wanted to watch it. It was not an informed choice, but more of a before I delete it, just five minutes kind of preview. And Bruce Wills always manages to get my attention. So does Ben Kingsly. So does Morgan Freeman.

So what are these three guys doing in one movie anyway? I kept watching the movie, till the very end, to find an answer to that question. At the end of it, I was left strangely unmoved. Often, one of them is enough for me to be riveted to the screen. I was left detached till the end. May be it is the sight of all these men trying to act in half baked roles. The movie had it all - good actors - Josh Hartnett & Lucy Liu are the hero/heroine; incidentally - the expected surprise ending, reasonably good editing, above average dialogue, emotion, drama, romance, family...

But at the end of it, the movie is like a beautiful plastic plant with no life. It will gather dust at a corner of your mind. And your heart will never be open to this movie.

Terms of Endearment:

Alright, I cried. There is Shirley Maclain - who so reminded me of my mother and the love/hate relationship I have with her and reminded me as to why people go ga-ga over her - her family friend, Danny DiVito and even that wicked old sexy man called Jack Nicholson who can portray those rascals whom every woman want to slap across his face and kiss up at the same time because of his personality despite the alcoholic slippery steps, leering face and overweight body. He daughter Debra Winger who can so beautifully express the hopes and fears of youth in an instant, the guy who acted as her husband, the guy in Third Rock from the Sun with whom she has an affair, the lady who acts as her best friend, and her kids - especially her second son. Yeah, it was when he cried that I cried.

This movie has soul. It has love. Not the perfectly packed and perfumed kind of love; but the ordinary kind -the one which hurts, disappoints, hurts some more, strays, stays and the one which is made all the more precious by the tears that mix with it. I loved this movie.


The Namesake:


Once upon a time, there were movies made in India like Namesake. In Malayalam, in Tamil, in Hindi. I grew up watching them. Ordinary, believable stories, where people do fall, but hey, they always get up, dust their knees and go forth again. This is a sunshine movie which will filter into the deep corners of your mind. Watch it guys - for Tabu and Irfaan's amazing love story. For Karl Penn. For all those times that make you think of your parents and family. You wont regret it.

This movie shines through - without melodrama but with emotions, without cliches but with slices from life, without stars but with good actors. Thanks Meera, for redeeming my faith in literary adaptations.

This movie gives you hope. And hope is a precious commodity for us to ignore.

To a land far, far away.

When I joined my company, an international assignment at the end of one year was pretty much a given. We knew this was going to happen, were indeed looking forward to it. Now, more nearer to the departure, I was having a conversation with another management trainee. She was not feeling happy about having to be outside India for 18 months.

"You might be happy as you never care about go home and don't have anyone here. I will get married next year or the year after that. I have a life here. My family, friends... I am more mainstream than you."

Ouch. I thought about her remark, so offhandedly cruel, all the more because it was not intended to hurt. I don't have a boyfriend, I am not that close to my family. So what is there for me to miss?

That day, I went home and started thinking about why I was not happy about leaving. I don't have any friends here. I don't have much fun in Kolkata. Still, I was feeling bad that I have to pack my bag's to Santa's land.

I wont have to deal with littered streets or rude people there. No sticky sweat or commotions. Peace and happiness and high quality living.

I would have preferred a much more crowded place. I love human beings - watching them hustle and bustle around me. I love the roadside food and the second hand book shops that you can find almost at every street in Kolkata. I am will miss the fact that I can fly to my friends over a weekend.

I am going to miss the riot of colours in this country. I will miss the spring and summer. I will miss the monsoon, the rumbling of the skies. I will miss the fact that by taking a cheap flight, I can escape into the extreme opposite of whichever climate I am experiencing in this country.

I never knew I loved this country this much. Patriotism is not a word that I want to use. It is not about my country greatest. It is about something that is so inclusive, so cheap in its riches, so varied in its sins and nirvana...

Happy fish, sad fish

I miss Chennai.

The udupi hotel food, the low priced fruit shakes, the sea and the besant nagar sea bridge, the east cost road, the friends i had there, satyam theatre and Spencer plaza, the rains, the bike rides....

I miss Kerala.

The backwaters, the greenery in lavish abandon, the fish, the food, the underrated malabari biriyani with an egg, onion raita and yummy lemon pickle, the different pickles and fried tapioca, jackfruit, and what not, mashed tapioca, esoteric mallu breakfast of puttu, payar, kozhukatta, ada, jackfruits, various kinds of bananas, elephants, Rs 30 movie tickets...

I miss Jamshedpur.

The running into terabytes online movie collection, the roadside food experiences, the nights where i learnt to dance, the few friends and many acquaintances, the campus dogs, the beautiful streets and the houses, the riverside....

I miss Gurgaon.

The people in that office, the friends I have left there, the movies, the shopping malls, the hep eating and drinking holes, the all night parties, the all night drinking and talking sessions with work friends....


I will miss Kolkata.

College street, city centre, the old dilapidated houses, the white jamun, the roadside snacks whose name I always keep forgetting, the work, the responsibility that made me grow up....

I don't miss Chennai.

The dirt. The lack of water. The sweat.

I don't miss Kerala.

The leching men with hands like the tentacles of Medusa, who grope and grope and grope - till you either hit back or move away if possible. The apathy of the people around me. The pseudo intellectual crap of the arm chair activists which somehow irks more than the blatant commercialization of other cities.

I don't miss Jamshedpur.

The trying to fit in. The trying to be overly loyal and patriotic. The trying to put friendships and personal opinions above what needed to be said and done. The most times phony feeling of belonging.

I don't miss Gurgaon.

The feeling of being shouted at. The conflict between wanting my life back and not wanting to hurt my friends. The inability to again, take a stand for losing a friend. The overpriced everything.

I wont miss Kolkata.

The lack of friends. The people who try to make me dole out more just because I earn more. The selfishness and self centeredness of people whom I have met, interacted with, and who still think that they are doing me a favour. The lack of a shoulder to lean on at time, for sometimes professional and mostly non-professional guidance.

What do you look for in a job?

He looked at me, smiled in a slightly uncertain manner, and asked.

I looked up to his face, shining with the unshaken faith in business school friendships, senior/junior bonding and the fact that one year experience make me qualified to give him gyaan.

Run faccha run! Completing one year is about the beginning of selfdoubts, of paranoia, of delusion and hopefully some amount of self realization. We have started on the ride, give us some more time before you as us these questions, lest I shake your faith in the great B School ringmarole - a.k.a the campus placements.

I was in enemy territory. Atleast, according to my juniors, my clan which I had left one year back. I was asked to take lesser students from that campus, to show my loyalty to our blood.

But then I like them a lot.

Like them, may be much more better than the ones from my clan. Like them, as they seems to be more accepting of the fact that la vida es una perra, and still laugh at it. Like them, as they were introduced by a good friend / colleague.

So I was there, being friendly and professional at the sametime - which means smiling a monalisa smile when they ask about who all got the shortlist, nod sympathetically when they come and speak greatly about a friend of theirs who would absolutely love to get into our company - nod and smile, instead of scrowling at them or divulging any information, and intentionally blanking my mind to all the marketing done for the candidates by their friends.

And what did I look for in a job?

I told him this:

A chance to fatten my cv. Some call it getting exposure, but I connect it to the final outcome. I dont want to put anything on my cv which I cannot claim as mine or which I cannot speak about knowledgably, so that means grabbing opportunites and accepting them when offered.

So that if in the future I have to choose my personal life over my company - without zilch personal life, I dont see that happening anytime soon - I can pick and choose what I want to do and where I want to be.

I did not tell him this:

Fun. This is a no-brainer. If I am doing something ten hours a day, I better have fun doing that. This means being challenged, appreciated, ragged, teased - I guess a better word would be to feel alive.

Family. I think that more and more, I substitute my work colleagues for my friends and well wishers. Well, atleast a significant chunk of them anyway.

I dont feel as if I am part of my old clan anymore. I am in touch with a lot of them - and many of my good friends are from there, but I value them as individuals than them having the same brand as I do. There are a lot in that group whom I have already forgotten. And I guess I have found a new label to belong to. I know that even this may not be permanant, but as of now, I am fine with it.

Wounds

Yesterday, after a long long time - longer than I would have wanted, anyway - I cooked food.

Let me get something clear here - I do not consider anything involving 2 minute noodles or heat and eat packs cooking. I also do not classify anything related with eggs - oh phuleeze! How long does it take to cook it? Where is the challenge? - cooking.

For me, the cooking is the sorting, washing, cutting, mixing and allowing my hands to grab whatever they want to and add it to the food. I have never made the same stuff twice. Till now all my food has been new, age old mallu recipes ( I am a mallukutty after all ) mutated by random moments of insanity where I am a witch preparing strange concoctions.

In between cutting the vegetables, the phone rang. Somebody called up.

SB : Listen!
Me: I'm cooking - talk to you later!
SB: Listen to this joke - " blah blah blah "

If I have forgotten the joke, pardon me. It was not that great anyways. I groaned at the end of it, and tried balancing my mobile phone on my shoulder and continued cutting the vegetables. SB went forth to the second joke. I got distracted for a second, and sliced my finger. A bit - not really wanting a stitch, but a scar will remain forever.

"Listen to the third one!" SB was on the third joke, and I told him that I will call him later. I did not tell him about the cut finger. Blood - dark red like wine - was dipping on to the floor.

My self confessed cooking challenged flatmate and her equally inept friend who is staying with us for some time - " We have never ever cooked in our lifetime. Our parents never told us to!" - got the Dettol and other things, helped control the blood flow, and helped me with the rest of the chopping.

At the end of it, cut finger and all, I was happy. I had cooked good food, food which smelled, looked and tasted good. My magic worked. My roomie dug in with trepidation, then with gusto. Making the curry has been officially delegated to me, and I have got two enthusiastic cooking students.

The cooking went as follows:


1. Chop arbit veggies which you find. Potatoes, Cauliflower, Carrots, beans..

2. Add salt and oil to the potato and fry them for sometime, add more salt if you feel like it.

3. Sniff the food at regular intervals till you finish cooking.. Allow your mind to add whatever it wants to the food. ( I added ghee - but don't really remember when.)

4. Add some water, garam masala, the rest of the veggies except cauliflower and stir.

5. When the smell dictates, close the lid and go off.

6. When you feel like it, come back and stir and add tomatoes.

7. Stir. But mildly.

8. When the smell dictates, switch off the stove, and voila! yummy veg curry is ready.


Now this was yesterday. Today, the same Some body has caused a little bleeding somewhere within, some place which I reserve for friends. It doesn't need stitches, but I guess the scar will remain.

The cooking now, will go on.

Duffer men never know that...

A woman is fickle with her emotions - yesterday's undying proclamation of love, if not reciprocated, can turn today into tuning out when you drone on...

It's just a little crush (crush)
Not like I faint every time we touch
It's just some little thing (crush)
Not like everything I do depends on you

That women do not hate each other as much as you think they do

That women bond better with each other than men

That a woman may love you with all her heart, but if you lie to her - well well... "the female of the species is more deadlier than the male..." unless, she choose to ignore or forgive you

That they love the trill of the chase

That they chase

That they can be "frequently kind and suddenly cruel" and they will "carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding"

That they learn to leave behind feelings like flower petals falling, converting each frown and drooped mouth into a wrinkle of wisdom and power

That they conjure up curses in the tears you make them shed and send them off to haunt you till the end of the earth

And then say....

You bored me with your stories

I cant belive that I endured you for as long as I did

Im happy its over, Im only sorry

That I didnt make the move before you

And when you go I will remember

To send a thankyou note to that girl oh that girl

I never really loved you anyway

No I didnt love you anyway

Valentino, I dont think so

You watching mtv while I lie dreaming in an empty bed

And come to think of it I was misled

My flat, my food, my everything

And thoughts inside my head

When men act like bitches, women act like witches. They call in their coven, and the curse follows the man across time and space; like a recurring bad dream which would frighten them into insomnia.

Two-faced daddy dont hand me no doublecross

Youll see any time Im ready

I can tell you baby get lost

Duffer men... they never know...

Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting

Hurt that's not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less

Kiddo, we will have our vengeance. Bill will be killed.

NB:

1. This post is for the woman I love the most in the whole wide world. A wuss fooled her for a while, but she is nobody's fool. Amen to her!
2. The colors are my subconcious drooling over the news that Tarentino is planning a movie - love the flicks, love the man. Bring 'em on!

No music or lyrics

I do not know what exactly to say.

I do not know how exactly to say that too.

I don't think I am in a mood to hear concerned voices. I guess I have had enough of them - voices - in my head.

I think I am floating. I am shielding myself from caring too much about what I feel. It helps.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

I also allow myself to be too exhausted by work. That helps, too.

My days are spent in front of a computer. Once every seven days I become a vampire, shunning light and sleeping the day away. I don't think I talk to anyone else.

Was I like this? Was I always chasing the dream of a better world?

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

Totto, I don't think I am in Kansas any more.

Show me the way to find myself
cause I'm nowhere in the darkness of these days

Plans for a journey

I have decided to pack my bags and be off. I plan to take a break during late April / May. I want to be either close to mountains, the sea or some old buildings. I would prefer to tour India, Srilanka or Nepal. It would be as economical as possible - local modes of transport, eating local food - except for stay.

I am looking at anything from 3 to 7 days. I would like to have company on this trip. Given that many people read my blog, let me know if you - yes, I mean you - would be interested.

Perfect strangers / first time visitors to my blog need not reply to this. Your gender or sexual orientation does not matter. I am looking for a person with whom I would feel safe enough to share a room (and vice versa) . And I really dont think that physical intimacy happens on autopilot when two people are staying in one room. No. Nyet. Nada.

What I am looking forward during these days:

Eating & drinking local food - but strictly hygenic food
Some amount of shopping, if possible - now now... give me brownie points for being truthful...
Taking many good pictures - arbit and random pictures, mostly.
Exploring the less travelled local roads - walking, tractors, bullock carts, camels, elephants, boats... I am open to them all.
Some time smack in the middle or far away from the madding crowd - I'm a girl of contradictions : live with it.
What you can expect:

Change the travel timetable midway : If you want to loiter, linger, feel free. I am not taking a watch along for these days.
Have local 'friends' : As long as your casual flings do not encroach into my living space, I will be fine whatever you do.
Go crazy : Because on the craziness meter, I can match you notch to notch.

What you cant expect:

Getting lucky with me
Expect me to drag you out of crisises created by your own stupidity - esp if it involves an armed crowd of pissed of localites.


If you like the plan, feel free to drop a comment. I'll be in touch.

Random thoughts.

I am impulsive. I overreact. I am the ultimate optimist. And as a result, I get hurt a lot at times. But I also have fun.

So now, I desperately try to think in rows and columns.I am afraid to dream. I hid behind commonsense when something good might happen in my life.

Today for a few minutes, I got a taste of what I actually has been asking for. It wasn't funny. At the end of it, I felt like shit. I looked more forlorn than any little kid you might have known ( and felt that bad too).

I am glad that people, some people at least, are stubborn or thick headed or whatever to not really care when I go on my buahaha trip.

Like somebody said sometime, I should fight for what I want. I may not get it, but, oh; its a helluva lot of fun than running away from things and self pity.

Feel free to point this out to me whenever I am thinking of giving up - I love being who I am - and am ready to take the baggage that comes with it.

Or in fewer words : " I'm not giving up on my books! I will get them back, and I wont give up the CDs!! Never!!!"

Psycho woman is back. :)

If you come today - South Indian English Video

I had taken a solemn oath never to post any fwds or other such stuff - but I must post this one here. Hilarious!

The lyrics:

Movie : Operation Diamond Racket
Singer: Rajkumar
Music Director : Venkatesh G K
Lyricist : Udayashankar (I am a fan of this person - he is GOD !)

If You Come Today !


If you come today, its too early
If you come tomorrow, its too late
If you come today, its too early
If you come tomorrow, its too late
You pick the time,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
Darling !

If you come today, its too early
If you come tomorrow, its too late



Did you say morning ? no, no, its not good,
Did you say evening ? no no, its too bad,
Did you say noon ? no no its not the time,
What did you say ?
Hey, what did you say ?
Nothing, oh its all right,
You pick the time,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
Darling !

If you come today, its too early,
If you come tomorrow, its too late.



Million drums beat in my heart,
Million dreams haunt my heart,
Million desires spring in my heart,
Million memories seize my heart,

Million drums beat in my heart,
Million dreams haunt my heart,
Million desires spring in my heart,
Million memories seize my heart.

You pick the time,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,

If you come today, its too early,
If you come tomorrow, its too late,
You pick the time,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
Darling !

Mumble Mumble Mumble... ( things which I really want to tell to certain people - but I dont)

To Book Thief: Give my books back. Now, this moment. All three of them. Don't even tell me your stupid jokes again. No way. Don't ever bloody tell me how nice it would be for me to go to Timbuktu, or get married to a Surd. As you very nicely pointed out, it's my problem; and this is how I deal with it. I am going to be transactional. And I will pay you for every little favour that I ask of you - in cash whenever possible, and in kind. Shoo! And yeah, minimalistic in my approach to you!

But gimme my books back! Else be prepared to get the skin on your arms peeled off. Now I know how you got those marks. Tiger attack, my foot!!

To Tai: Stop getting worried about me and doing regular checks on me. I am grumpy, I feel really stupid, but I will get through. This too, shall pass. And I am not a drunkard! And stop posting post modernistic stuff on your blog - heavy on symbolism like war paint on a punk themed party - difficult for me to understand.. hehehe.. :)

Don't worry!

To Cat: You go girl! I envy you - you just walked - or rather flew - to your dreams while I became too much of a chicken to do anything with my life.

Keep in touch or else! Awww... wont you keep in touch babe?

To Bastard: Take care! And ask her out. C'mmon, do it faaast!

To Ani: Gal, I love you... I love you... I love you....

To Boi: Yo, what are you gonna get me from Finland? Where is my book? My travel bag? And the phone calls pending from you??

To all my friends in love: May your happiness and understanding with each other increase... may you learn to love each other despite the faults in each other... may you see each other with warts and all and still think of each other as beautiful... ( also goes out to my ex-guys who are happy with their current women)

And if you cheat on the other, may your heart get broken into a million little pieceswith as much pain as possible in return. ( And watch it, my curses actually work! )

For others like me who feel sidelined and unloved on Valentine's Day: Booooo Hooo.... :((( Hooooowl...... :(((( Sob Sob Sob.....

:-)

Have a nice tomorrow everyone!