Thursday, February 22, 2007

No music or lyrics

I do not know what exactly to say.

I do not know how exactly to say that too.

I don't think I am in a mood to hear concerned voices. I guess I have had enough of them - voices - in my head.

I think I am floating. I am shielding myself from caring too much about what I feel. It helps.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

I also allow myself to be too exhausted by work. That helps, too.
My days are spent in front of a computer. Once every seven days I become a vampire, shunning light and sleeping the day away. I don't think I talk to anyone else.
Was I like this? Was I always chasing the dream of a better world?

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

Totto, I don't think I am in Kansas any more.

Show me the way to find myself
cause I'm nowhere in the darkness of these days

Plans for a journey

I have decided to pack my bags and be off. I plan to take a break during late April / May. I want to be either close to mountains, the sea or some old buildings. I would prefer to tour India, Srilanka or Nepal. It would be as economical as possible - local modes of transport, eating local food - except for stay.

I am looking at anything from 3 to 7 days. I would like to have company on this trip. Given that many people read my blog, let me know if you - yes, I mean you - would be interested.

Perfect strangers / first time visitors to my blog need not reply to this. Your gender or sexual orientation does not matter. I am looking for a person with whom I would feel safe enough to share a room (and vice versa) . And I really dont think that physical intimacy happens on autopilot when two people are staying in one room. No. Nyet. Nada.

What I am looking forward during these days:

Eating & drinking local food - but strictly hygenic food
Some amount of shopping, if possible - now now... give me brownie points for being truthful...
Taking many good pictures - arbit and random pictures, mostly.
Exploring the less travelled local roads - walking, tractors, bullock carts, camels, elephants, boats... I am open to them all.
Some time smack in the middle or far away from the madding crowd - I'm a girl of contradictions : live with it.
What you can expect:

Change the travel timetable midway : If you want to loiter, linger, feel free. I am not taking a watch along for these days.
Have local 'friends' : As long as your casual flings do not encroach into my living space, I will be fine whatever you do.
Go crazy : Because on the craziness meter, I can match you notch to notch.

What you cant expect:

Getting lucky with me
Expect me to drag you out of crisises created by your own stupidity - esp if it involves an armed crowd of pissed of localites.

If you like the plan, feel free to drop a comment. I'll be in touch.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Random thoughts.

I am impulsive. I overreact. I am the ultimate optimist. And as a result, I get hurt a lot at times. But I also have fun.

So now, I desperately try to think in rows and columns.I am afraid to dream. I hid behind commonsense when something good might happen in my life.

Today for a few minutes, I got a taste of what I actually has been asking for. It wasn't funny. At the end of it, I felt like shit. I looked more forlorn than any little kid you might have known ( and felt that bad too).

I am glad that people, some people at least, are stubborn or thick headed or whatever to not really care when I go on my buahaha trip.

Like somebody said sometime, I should fight for what I want. I may not get it, but, oh; its a helluva lot of fun than running away from things and self pity.

Feel free to point this out to me whenever I am thinking of giving up - I love being who I am - and am ready to take the baggage that comes with it.

Or in fewer words : " I'm not giving up on my books! I will get them back, and I wont give up the CDs!! Never!!!"

Psycho woman is back. :)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

If you come today - South Indian English Video

I had taken a solemn oath never to post any fwds or other such stuff - but I must post this one here. Hilarious!

The lyrics:

Movie : Operation Diamond Racket
Singer: Rajkumar
Music Director : Venkatesh G K
Lyricist : Udayashankar (I am a fan of this person - he is GOD !)

If You Come Today !

If you come today, its too early
If you come tomorrow, its too late
If you come today, its too early
If you come tomorrow, its too late
You pick the time,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
Darling !

If you come today, its too early
If you come tomorrow, its too late

Did you say morning ? no, no, its not good,
Did you say evening ? no no, its too bad,
Did you say noon ? no no its not the time,
What did you say ?
Hey, what did you say ?
Nothing, oh its all right,
You pick the time,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
Darling !

If you come today, its too early,
If you come tomorrow, its too late.

Million drums beat in my heart,
Million dreams haunt my heart,
Million desires spring in my heart,
Million memories seize my heart,

Million drums beat in my heart,
Million dreams haunt my heart,
Million desires spring in my heart,
Million memories seize my heart.

You pick the time,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,

If you come today, its too early,
If you come tomorrow, its too late,
You pick the time,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
tik tik tik tik tik tik,
Darling !

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Mumble Mumble Mumble... ( things which I really want to tell to certain people - but I dont)

To Book Thief: Give my books back. Now, this moment. All three of them. Don't even tell me your stupid jokes again. No way. Don't ever bloody tell me how nice it would be for me to go to Timbuktu, or get married to a Surd. As you very nicely pointed out, it's my problem; and this is how I deal with it. I am going to be transactional. And I will pay you for every little favour that I ask of you - in cash whenever possible, and in kind. Shoo! And yeah, minimalistic in my approach to you!

But gimme my books back! Else be prepared to get the skin on your arms peeled off. Now I know how you got those marks. Tiger attack, my foot!!

To Tai: Stop getting worried about me and doing regular checks on me. I am grumpy, I feel really stupid, but I will get through. This too, shall pass. And I am not a drunkard! And stop posting post modernistic stuff on your blog - heavy on symbolism like war paint on a punk themed party - difficult for me to understand.. hehehe.. :)


To Cat:
You go girl! I envy you - you just walked - or rather flew - to your dreams while I became too much of a chicken to do anything with my life.

Keep in touch or else! Awww... wont you keep in touch babe?

To Bastard: Take care! And ask her out. C'mmon, do it faaast!

To Ani:
Gal, I love you... I love you... I love you....

To Boi:
Yo, what are you gonna get me from Finland? Where is my book? My travel bag? And the phone calls pending from you??

To all my friends in love:
May your happiness and understanding with each other increase... may you learn to love each other despite the faults in each other... may you see each other with warts and all and still think of each other as beautiful... ( also goes out to my ex-guys who are happy with their current women)

And if you cheat on the other, may your heart get broken into a million little pieceswith as much pain as possible in return. ( And watch it, my curses actually work! )

For others like me who feel sidelined and unloved on Valentine's Day: Booooo Hooo.... :((( Hooooowl...... :(((( Sob Sob Sob.....


Have a nice tomorrow everyone!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Of wimps and humans..

Whoever said that corporate life doesn't have its moments of humour would have never worked in an office.

During the placement season, companies get into the mad frenzy of upping the salaries. Coming from one of the better branded HR courses means that people who never even bothered to keep in touch will call you up one day.

The conversation would go like this. The protective arms around any set of words chronicle my mental audio at that time.

Me: Hello? ( Who is this? I hope I sound polite enough, busy enough and cheerful enough to steer my conversation whichever way).

XYZ: Hiiii... How are you doing? Long time no see....

Me: I'm okay... ( I cant say I'm fine - what if I get more work to do? I cant say I am NOT fine - what if on the other side its my parents who think that marriage is the cure all for not feeling fine due to whichever reason? ) ... Err.. who is this? ( Did I forget to update the phone number of ANY of my friends? )

XYZ: ( In his/her best hurtful tone ) Whaat? Its me! XYZ!!! ( more hurtful accusations follow which I ignore while reading through the latest fwd from my colleagues. Ha ha! that 5th cartoon is sooo funny...)

Me: ( After realizing that XYZ has stopped) So... why did you call me? ( Alrighty then, you were never close to me / liked me much and suddenly developed that lovin' feelin' for me? Huh! So cut the crap and cut to chase, shall we? )

XYZ: Hey! How much is your company offering students on campus?

ME: 8.2 lpa I think. ( I think means that I don't know / choose not to know /and even if my friend did tell me how much we are going to pay, I deliberately erased it from my memory a la Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ( more on that movie one of these days.. remind me to talk about it..) )

XYZ: Oh!! My friend wanted to apply to your company...

Me: ( I don't mind you being rude or nasty upfront - at least, not as much as when you turn wimp and bitch about me behind my back or drop idiotic lies. Its better and manly/womanly to tell me upfront that you need the info for your company - or give no excuses.)
Really? Which B School is he from? What is his background? Doesn't he have a campus?
( In that borderline tone which can be interpreted as burning sarcasm or high officialdom. This is the moment I really love - when they squirm, when they blabber and stammer.)

XYZ: Eh.. cant hear you.. bye...

Me: Sure! Call whenever your 'friend' need any info... ( dip.. dip.. dip... that sound my friend, is sarcasm oozing out from my words and dipping to XYZ's ears when he/ she slams he phone down.)

Did the good deed for the day - didn't we?

Wish I could have posted a *.mp3 of the conversation here!

Feel free to ask me information - but atleast lets be honest about what you want! Follow the example of the apainter boy who calls, asks and accepts whatever I tell him without any hemming or hawing.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Story time!

Once upon a time, there was a little girl in a little town. She was the only child of her parents, and in a bout of misguided enthusiasm, her parents decided to make her the most perfect kid, ever.

As kids are born with faults, and a desire to question and disobey in the process, the parents decided to opt for corporal punishment. The now not so little girl's first memory of her life ever - is being suspended in mid air by her father holding her up and getting beaten. Household tales peg her at that time to be two. She had dared to be impolite to a guest during her birthday and refused to share the sweet porridge with her.

The little girl did not mind it much. For she thought that this was how all parents were. She did not go much into the houses of her friends, and even if she did, her parents were always ready to point out how easily the other kids obeyed their parents. So the little girl thought that she is being beaten because she is horribly bad, and that she herself is a bad bad child unlike the other kids, who love their parents despite the repeated beatings that they all have to undergo.

The little girl was pinched, hit, belted, shoved and pushed for her various misdemeanours by the time she was in class four. After that, her parents started to verbally abuse her. (I would have reproduced the abuses here, but for the 'objectionable content' flag of She never felt beautiful, felt that she was always too short or too tall, or too thin.

Years passed with no changes in the life equations. She still got abused, still thought that it was normal. She felt guilty as she did not love her parents, and her guilt validated the abuse that she was subjected to. She led a double life - happy and gregarious in school, dutiful in her extended family but feeling like the ugly duckling.

Somewhere along the line, she acquired spectacles. That it itself is an interesting story, for when she first noticed that she could not see and told the same to her mother, she accused her of lying and was chided for her attention seeking behaviour. It took many more months and a starting power of around -2.5 and -3 for her to get her first pair of glasses.

One fine day, her bubble was burst. Her friends in engineering hostel listened in horrified silence when she casually mentioned some of the abuses that her parents used to shower on her. Then it was her chance to be shocked and stunned as she was told that no, parents don't usually talk to their kids that way and no; kids also do not get beaten up that much.

At this point, I would like to write that the girl ultimately forgave her parents, her parents repented, she found the boy of her dreams and they all lived happily ever after.

You fools, but this is not a fairy tale. Realism sucks big time. The girl is now emotionally disconnected from her parents - she develops hypoallergenic drug requiring reactions when she talks to them ( can we have this in Ripley's believe it or not? ). She had met many men whom when she kissed, morphed from Princes to frogs and went croaking away. Her parents still think that they have done and are doing the best for her. She is over analytical, is a chronic pessimist, and need constant signs of approval and affection. She cannot go with the flow, she is too crippled for that. I think she is going to grow old and lonely and grow into a grumpy and silent old lady with a few dogs and cats for company. Or she may drink herself to liver cirrhosis and to early death. She doesn't care too much about herself anyways, and on bad days, the bitter reality of her life gnaws away at the last piece of rotting optimism in her kitchen shelf.

Now you know why she never goes home.

Now you know why she is chronically insecure and looks out for insults when none is implied.

Now you know why she doesn't want to get too close to you.

Now you know why she gets close to you despite not wanting to be close to you.

Now you know why she drinks herself to oblivion.

Now you know how she knows good things will never happen to her.

Now you know how she knows she is never good enough.
Now you know why she loves animals so much.

And like a doctor who is a drug junkie, she knows what is wrong, but cannot cure herself.

Ha ha! Gotcha you fellers! What did you expect, another sappy happy story? There is lot more to tell, but lets save it for another day, shall we?